There have been 40 mass shootings in the United States in the first 26 days of 2023. We need to give up trying to regulate guns. Instead, if you can’t beat them, shoot them!
We should rename the country the Unrestrained Shooters of America not only to keep the acronym USA, which makes for a great sounding chant, but also elevates the right to bear arms to the only constitutional right worth retaining.
At birth, infants will be issued toy pistols. Basic training will replace day care. The theme song to Sesame Street will feature this refrain: “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street after shooting the muggers I meet along the way?”
Grammar schools and high schools will emphasize the three R’s: Revolvers, Rifles and Revenge. Such an education guarantees the opportunity for everyone to become the “good guy with a gun” who stops the bad guy with one.
To be sure, the bad guys always will be packing heat too, which is precisely why all students must learn how to always lock and load their weapons. Sure, there will be some fatalities at recess and sporting events, but that’s the cost of preparing the younger generation to defend itself against any government confiscations of guns.
There will be no more elections. After all, they’re always rigged. Instead, every four years armed representatives from each party will meet on a Tuesday in November to battle it out until one side waves the white flag and surrenders. This preempts the need to ever storm the Capitol several months later since the supporters of the defeated political party will be dead.
Open carry will be mandated federally. What good is a gun if the people you want to hurt or intimidate can’t see it?
A portion of each person’s taxes will be used to purchase a weapon of his or her choice. Armored vehicles will replace cars. Road rage will end because who wants to take the chance that the driver of the Humvee next to you is a better marksman than you?
There will no longer be foreign wars since wars will be fought at home. Local militias will supplant the armed forces, saving the government much money.
Worries about overpopulation will cease. The judiciary will be disbanded. Who needs to pay judges when everyone can serve as the judge and jury?
The only additional government expense will be increasing the amount Medicare pays for the treatment of wounds and rehabilitation of those injured by guns.
There might be some debate over whether these victims deserve any compensation. Shouldn’t they have paid more attention in school to their lessons on how to aim and fire their weapons more accurately?
For the unfortunates killed by guns, the government will provide burials and rebrand the USA as the home of the grave. Forget e pluribus unum (Out of many, one). The new slogan of the USA will be: pro multis, multis tormentis (For the many, many guns).
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. This satire originally appeared on San Diego Jewish World, a member of the San Diego Online News Association.